The other night I was digging around for a long lost collage paper in my craft area with my daughter. We were about to sit down and make our goal posters for 2006. I was so intently focused on hunting down this paper that I wasnt as focused as I normally am on the conversation my ten-year-old daughter and I were having. I knew I must have said something wrong when she shrilled MOM!
I stood straight up and tried to remember the last words I had spoken. I didnt have much time to wonder because she continued with a startled reprimand.
MOTHER! You almost doubted yourself! Say youre sorry to yourself! Say youre sorry to your brain!
The context of the conversation came back. We were talking about a trip we wanted to take and I began a statement with Well, if I. and that was when she cut me off at the pass. In our house words like if arent used. We use empowering and affirmative words like when.
Why?
Because the first step in accomplishing anything is the belief and determination that you can accomplish it. If doesnt exude a lot of confidence or belief, does it?
The memorable mothering moment came at my daughters shock that I had used the word if. Her shock affirmed that this must have been one of the few times a non-affirming statement came from my mouth. I have seen her before in my workplace, correcting the ifs of employees and it always fills me with pride. This isnt a steadfast rule that I enforced in the house, but a quality I wanted to exemplify and in turn hoped she would inherit. Not only did she inherit it, she internalized it and has basically become the Positive Patrol.
Interestingly, we arent all born with ifs. When we are little we dont say, When I grow up, if I can be President Instead when we are asked, What will you be when you grow up? We announce proudly, I will be President. Maybe we havent thought about all the barriers, maybe we dont know what barriers are at that age, regardless we do know what belief is and we have it down to our toes. So where does it go? When do the whens turn to ifs?
The Internal Critic
Why do we find children so inspirational? Part of it is their innocence but there is much more. The magic within a child lies largely in the fact they are untarnished by worry, blame, guilt and the stress of adult life. When we are around children we remember how to believe.
Yet somewhere in our young lives, things begin to change. Our aspirations, dreams and ideas are criticized. When we paint a pink tree and purple sky and an authority figure corrects usletting us know that trees arent pink and skies arent purple, that little creative voice gets quieter. And after we receive enough of this feedback, we learn to be a critic for ourselves. We learn to second-guess our dreams, doubt our approach, and belittle our efforts. We develop this internal critic that follows us everywhere, and her main ammunition is negativity and guilt. Our internal critic doesnt believe in much of anythingfor if she did, she would cease to exist.
Eventually we become adults. We often feel a push and pull in our lives. We go from high to low and back again. We bounce between feeling empowered and feeling empty. It becomes easy to see why when you think about having two different messages in your mind. That childlike mind encouraging you to take risks, become more, live more, dream more and then the critic who is reprimanding you for silly ideas, bad odds and wasted time.
So can we find a place where these extreme opposites---critic and child--can co-exist? How long can fire and ice co-exist? Not for long. One characteristic will have to dominate. Unfortunately it is often the critic, because she is louder, obnoxious, and she has undermined you for so long, that you may have begun to undermine yourself. The good days are the days where something prompts you back to that childlike state of seeing the good in everything, finding wonder in the simple, and magic in the moment. The bad days are the days the critic speaks so loudly that the child hides.
What do we do?
So what do we do with this critic we didnt invite and certainly dont want to entertain? We isolate her and we isolate her behavior. We learn to speak up, grow stronger and we refuse to let her or her attitude sit at our table. And we do that through vigilance. We quit listening to her and when we quit, she starves because she needs worry, guilt, and insecurity to survive.
In order to battle back we have to start listening to ourselves. Both the words we say and the thoughts we think. When we find ourselves thinking in a self-critical way, we shout as loud as my daughter did. Then we apologize to ourselves (and our brain, as Sammy says) and we put a positive message in the place of the negative.
Positive Inspirations
To come full circle, what my daughter and I had sat down to do that night was create goal posters for 2006. A goal poster is a visual summary of what you want to create in your life and words and images that inspire you to be your best. Constant visual reminders help us remain focused. I make a goal poster each year. In the Goal Group I am teaching we are making a goal poster each quarter to reinforce our goals. I am working on creating an internet page for your viewing to inspire you to create your own goal poster. I will have this done by next week and include a link in the Challenge Weekly.
We can also use affirmations and positive statements. If you have not already subscribed to my free Good Morning service, you can do so by clicking here. Each day includes an affirmation. I also have affirmation cards that you can carry with you. You can order those here. Or you can make your own. My best friend and I have decided to spend some time making an affirmation deck for ourselves this year.
Remember, in the most basic sense, the mind acts like a computer. Everything we think or say is the data it uses. When we think negatively and talk negatively, it is like downloading a virus or having a corrupted file. We cant run at our best. To have our computer perform, we have to feed it good and solid information. To have our life be all it can be we have to feed our soul the same.
Your Weekly Challenge:
Program the Positive
Take a look at the affirmation cards and use them as inspiration to create a deck of your own or order a set for yourself. Read the Good Morning emails and record the affirmations in your Catch-All Notebook. Be vigilant and identify the critic throughout your day and use positive programming to replace her negative messages.
Brook Noel is the creator of the best-selling 70 Day Life Makeover Program for Women .. The Change Your Life Challenge. http://www.changeyourlifechallenge.com This program has helped thousands of women take control of their home, finances, relationships, clutter, time-managmenet and more.
She is the author of 19 books and maintains three free newsletters. The Daily Rush is devoted to quick and easy recipes; Good Morning! is a daily newsletter to get your day off to a great start and The Challenge Weekly offers a personal challenge for self-improvement each week. To sign up for these free newsletters please visit http://www.changeyourlifechallenge.com/news.htm
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